Semester 4: Individuality-Childish, Not Always

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What I Learn From Being Alone…

I just found out that being alone is sometimes needed for those who never.

I always been with my friend lately, i hang out with friends, i go home with my friends, i texted and call my friends just to chit-chat, gossiping, sometimes it’s just something not important such kind; i’m gained weight or something, or if i’m too much happy for something.

Then i realize that the space for me; myself it’s not that matter anymore.

I forget how i always care for myself and focusing on what i really want. Now what i think is that I’m accepted by my friends, that i really gave all my efforts just to made them accept me, even if that i have to loose who i really was.

And that’s not right. I ever read somewhere that we actually alone, people around us is just illusion. Somehow it feels right. Everyone have a friend, even if it just one, or an online friends, or…. yeah. ┬áBut what i actually learn from a friend is that they never really there for us. Yes, they are real, they’re listen to your story, your bullshit, everything… but are they really care? Are you believe them?

I never really believe in people, that’s why i always keep my problem to myself like this. Because i think what i thought about them never really acceptable. What i hate about them sometimes it’s to childish. But people do have a childish side right? The differences is how dominant is it and how you show it.

Today, I’m sick, and i force myself to go to school just to met my friends. I got bad mood so i being quieter than ever. But they doesn’t approached me or talked to me like they used to (that it’s not on my prediction). I don’t know what they think. I just saw them passed by, they don’t really asked me to join their conversation, they don’t asked me if i wanna walked with them to the computer lab. They just… yeah, busy with their own world… pfftt.

I am dissapointed? Of Course. I am big angry? Not really.

I hate a time like this. The time when my friends busy chasing what they want and they left me with a bunch of shit. I should’ve had a friend who accompany me at a time like this, left whit a bunch of shit. But now she just go, left me due to a shit problem i don’t even want to think anymore cause it makes me sick, literally.

I know i should’ve support them as a bestfriend. I know i should’ve encourage them like, “Hey! I’m a Big Support for you!!” But what i want to say and what i think is different. It’s more like, “Oh no, she’s/he’s busy again i can’t hang out with them” Then i stick at home, all day, and bored from a frog singing.

It’s not actually a big deal. I get used to it.

But what a big deal to me is that, i need them TODAY! But why they left me like that, like i was not there? Like i was a shadow? Like i was nothing?

I thought about it while i walked myself to the parking lot. Why did this happen to me? Did i behave like a bitch today? Did I so fucking annoying so they don’t want to talk to me? Did i deserve to be alone like this after what i did to made them accept me?

1…

2…

3…

Then i found myself that i try too hard to be acceptable. I’m no longer myself and i’m tired of lying to myself. And i found out that i have drown myself, A LOT just to be with friends. That i forgot how it’s like to be alone like i used to.

My not-so-close told me a few hours ago that, “People doesn’t actually see you, you’re not that spark or something, you’re just you, like a shadow, they don’t really see you”

Okay, maybe she was right. I never be that kind of ‘sparks’ anyway.

But what important to me right now is that…

It maybe a sign that i have lost myself too much so i need a time for myself more. To care for myself more, find out what my passion, and don’t give a fuck about people like yesterday.

What I Learn:

“Care for yourself more doesn’t mean you are selfish, sacrifice too much doesn’t make you a hero (cause it’s not a fairytale or fast and furious). You just you, be yourself”

ahnmr

HIMRASAKI

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am

Currently studying in college, never stop imagining though.

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